Tag Archive: spirit


Retreat Home

Conscious living. . .A buzz word in our modern, hyper-fast, race-to-the-finish-line society. People, by nature, seem to seek what they don’t already have, and we have romanticized the notion of slowing down to enjoy the view, lest life pass us by, but so few of us actually achieve a sense of conscious living.

I feel torn, several times a week, by differing value systems. Some gay men worship the body electric, and put all their focus, time, and energy into working out. That, indeed, is but a subset of the whole population, but I’m self-centered and vain enough to want other’s approval, even if it’s only for being in great shape. Then, there’s the value system of the small town, village really, in which I live. There, the greatest emphasis is placed on being a good person where you’re also encouraged to fit in and not make too many waves, and this can sometimes mean not being disagreeable–being liked. In this community, many diverse people are tolerated, but you certainly don’t want to stick out for being too progressive or controversial. Yet another group whose approval I court are the intellectuals and writers and the writing community at Northwestern as well as throughout the Chicagoland area. There’s a subtle sort of competition among my fellow MFA students to see who is the most talented and who has the most potential to go far.

Last, there is the Christian and Catholic community to which I have just come home on a visit, twenty years after I graduated. I went to a small, private, liberal arts Catholic school, St. John’s University, in upper Minnesota, about an hour and a half north of the Twin Cities. I am, in effect, on a retreat home, a retreat to my spiritual home.

I have, in the course of my life, wandered far from my spiritual roots, starting way back when I was a sophomore, and my former Resident Assistant, Chris Agnew, the student who oversaw our development and encouraged us to come to him with any questions, suffered an epileptic seizure and died in the shower early one morning. I really couldn’t reconcile the kind of God who would take away such a caring, loving young man so early in life. I couldn’t even make myself go to this funeral, held in the big abbey church where his life was celebrated. I didn’t want to celebrate his life; I wanted him still in my life. It was a real crisis in faith, compounded by my grappling with my sexual identity.

I have wandered far, over the years, from my roots, but now I am back for a vacation, and I get to look at the campus with new eyes. There is, indeed, an undeniable spiritual energy to the place, nestled among 2,700 acres and Lake Sagatagan, with a vibrant community of Benedictine monks and priests. St. Benedict was celebrated for the virtue of hospitality, and it is this openness and welcoming attitude that has brought me home, the long way around. I notice an innocence, a lack of jadedness, in the eyes of the summer students, and indeed, among the mentors on campus.

A simpler life is not necessarily a simple life, but this retreat has shown me that it’s okay to embrace a God of my understanding, even if it doesn’t fit the traditional Christian model, and still not be considered a cast out. I have spent so much time and energy trying to fit in among various communities, and now I sense is my chance to take two days to ask myself, who am I, where are my roots, where have I come from, and where am I going.

Much peace to you. I seem to be finding a missing sense of quiet serenity and gratitude up here.

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Our Deal With God

My two dogs are very much a part of my life, so much so that even if I were to start dating again (which seems somewhat dubious given my schedule), the man I date would have to make room for my Akita and Beagle on the bed.  The Beagle is quite particular and insists upon sleeping under the covers at the foot of the bed.  My Akita is a bit more understanding and will generally start out on the bed but move to the floor after an hour or so.

Our deal with God is that we get permission to love our animals with all our hearts, knowing all the time, however, that they will only live just so long, about as long as an adolescent.  What a raw deal!  I love both my dogs, but I have to confess that my Akita is, to me, a once in a lifetime kind of dog.  Perhaps it’s also your experience that you’ve had an animal who is, strangely enough, a role model to you.  A dog or cat which makes you want to be a better person, to scale the walls and use our precious little time on earth to make sure that what we do has meaning.  Sometimes an animal comes along who is irreplaceable.  I truly believe that no other dog will come along to make me forget my Akita.  I just know that we have a special bond that I doubt I will ever feel again.  The heart mourns, the heart goes on, but I believe I will never feel as close to anyone or anything else like I do Kierka.  She teaches me to face everyday fearlessly, and look for the many small joys in life as well as celebrating the big events too. 

Her greatest trait is that she has kind eyes, very soulful, almost as though you could see her spirit.  When my sister lost her dog a ways back, she was talking with her priest who told her that only humans have souls, but in his opinion, dogs have spirits which linger after they are gone.  I’ve heard a quote somewhere a while back that said, “You are only dead when no one remembers you anymore.”  I hope my animals will always be remembered the way the rest of my family will hopefully also be remembered.